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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

WHAT KILLED THE TREEHOUSE?


Written by Josh Weiker
If you live in Columbus, and enjoy alcohol, music, and trees; then you surely know of the Treehouse (formerly known as “Andyman’s Treehouse”). This bar is infamous for a number of things: its hidden-back alley location, its absence of parking, the freakin’ tree growing in the middle of the building, and of course, the ever-present cluster of hipsters smoking out front.   Most of the time, I’d end up at this bar, already after a night of drinking; and  occasionally with the intentions of seeing some band play in the jam-packed back room. 
I never really liked the place as a venue, and was always reluctant to make the ‘far’ trip out to Grandview, but every time I went, I always found myself stumbling headfirst into a good time. Aside from feeling salty for not hitting up the Treehouse as often as I should have, I’m also bummed because this was one of those places that you can all but  guarantee that there is an amazing library of stories, inside jokes, and bar secrets that have happened under that Tree. Now, all of that history is gone.

      The Treehouse wasn’t an overly-stimulating place, but it always had a very unique vibe. I still remember how confused I was the first time I went there – falling down the step at the front entrance, walking a circle around the pool table, and realizing I had pretty much just taken a tour of the place. Despite the small rooms, the patrons were always comfy – tucked away in the corners on the couch, near the bar, or on the patio. It’s like it was almost impossible to be awkward in this bar, because the layout made socializing so awkward, that being awkward was the norm (that, or I’m just a huge nerd). Whatever it was that perplexed me about this bar, I do know that I will miss being able to pass up all of the glitzy, over-image inspired bars to creep away to this amazingly chill gem in Grandview.

            So that’s it?
            No –
            It can’t possibly just end there, can it?
            Would I truly be content, just letting this mystery take the rout of Pac and Biggie?
            There must be more …

      So, What killed the Treehouse? Well like most mysteries, there is a world of speculation as to what exactly was responsible for the bar’s demise. After much cross-referencing and fact-checking, here is a condensed list of some of the more plausible rumors as to what led to the closing of the Treehouse:

·         Environmental terrorists poisoned the Tree, thus leading the owner to close the bar.

·         CD101’s Ed Francis drank all of the booze in the bar

·         The bar was invaded and overrun by Crab People

·         The Greater Grandview Community Committee petitioned to have the place shut down due to “spontaneous hipster mobs.”

·         Some say, Kyle Sowash killed a girl in the backroom over a bottle of Sake.

·         Mayor Coleman had the bar closed so he could turn it into his own private underground diplomatic speakeasy and moustache trimming salon.

·         An ominous cloud appeared over the Treehouse and some reported seeing a mysterious flying object hovering above the building. Rumor has it, the staff was abducted; but it was all later dismissed and reported as just an abnormal accumulation of swamp gas.

·         Someone stole the cue ball from the pool table, thus evoking ‘the curse of the missing cue’ upon the bar and its patrons.

·         Michael Bay shot a scene for his next film in the Treehouse – unfortunately the interior couldn’t withstand the constant barrage of over-the-top pyrotechnics.

·         Secret got out that the Tree inside the Treehouse would actually eat one over-inebriated patron each night … Little Shop of Horrors style, for real.

·         It was that damn Sasquatch.


      Unfortunately, none of those rumors led to any culprits due to a consistent ‘lack of factual basis’ (whatever that means). Alas, the case did not close there – in hopes of tracking down the killer, BusTown enlisted the help of some of the greatest mystery-cracking minds that the world has ever known:


 Scoob & the Gang
… once again blamed the mystery on old man Jenkins (for trying to run out customers in hopes that he could finally mine for gold in the surrounding area). This theory was later dismissed due to age discrimination and repeated profiling.


The Hardy Boys
… liked to talk a bunch and used pretty big words for a 4th grade reading level. All in all, we never got to the end of their theory, it was just too boring, and lacked the sex and/or humor appeal we so all yearned for.


Blues Clues
… while the fun colors and happy songs entertained the stoner crowd, after thirty minutes of following their ‘clues’ we just ended up making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a salt and pepper shaker – I suppose that’s what you get for letting a blue dog lead your investigation.


Sherlock Holmes and Watson (the Jeopardy computer)
… it turns out Sherlock Holmes has been dead for over 100 years; apparently he was smoking meth in that pipe of his; and unfortunately, Watson, the super computer, was ‘Temporarily Out of Order’ during our allotted time. 


Angela Lansbury (a.k.a. Murder, She Wrote)
… is also dead. – wait, what’s that? No, she’s not? Oh, … really? … hm, well, oops?


So it seems that all of these avenues are a bust. Luckily, there is hope – the back alley inside connections.

      So who done it? What killed the Treehouse? Well, it hasn’t been my place to call people out or talk badly of a place (so I’m going to leave out names and certain details), but the people have spoken, and they demand the truth. Two sources have told stories of absolute assurance and it goes a little something like this …

      There are two reasons, or primary factors that led to the closing of the Treehouse. The first and most prominent tone points to poor management of the bar’s budget. Some claim the bar was behind on rent payments, and in time of crisis the head rat deserted the ship. The other reason points to you – You killed the Treehouse. It’s said that the bar profits had been on the decline for the last year, and if you put two and two together, it’s not hard to create a picture of how this bar slipped into the red.

Whatever the reason, two things are for sure: 1) some shit went down, and 2) the Treehouse will be missed. Fortunately, there are some apparent talks about the House re-opening under new management. Only time will tell what truly happened, and what will come of the ominous bar known as the Treehouse.

For a more proper/accurate perspective about the Treehouse closing, check out Meghan Ralston’s (of the Hot 17) article …

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It might not be dead for good. Just a heads up. There have been some outside parties interested in resuscitating our beloved Tree. We shall see if anything comes of it...

JoshWeiker said...

... we can only hope so ...

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